05 October 2015: And how would you describe your pain?

There are many ways to describe pain. There are they ways that your doctor would recognise: stabbing, burning, throbbing, sharp, dull, prickly, dragging, on a scale of 1 to 10.

Here’s the translations:

“It’s a prickly pain”

Someone is randomly but persistently poking a sharp needle into various bits of my body.

“It’s a dull ache”

My arms and legs have been replaced with hot lead and I can’t move at all because they’re too heavy.

“Its’ a pressure pain”

My joints are two sizes larger than they were yesterday and no longer feel like they fit in my skeleton or skin.

“It’s a pounding”

There is a small person inside my skull using a hammer to hit the back of my skull from the inside.

“It’s about a 5 out of 10”

Holy crap, there’s an alien in my belly and it’s trying to fight its way out through my abdomen and why aren’t you doing anything to help me?

“It’s a grating sensation”

That feather feels like you’re using an electric sander to remove my skin – I’ll tell you whatever information you want to know, just please stop torturing me with a feather.

“It came on suddenly”

Holy crap, someone just hit me with a wrecking ball.

“It’s quite bad in the morning”

I can wake up from 10 hours sleep on a really nice mattress and be unable to move properly because everything hurts.

“It’s an intense pain”

I wonder if the drill that’s going through my right eye will ever stop? And could you please turn down the dimmer switch on the sun? And turn down the volume of the world?

“Overall pain rating 7 out of 10”

Good lord, I just want to curl into a ball and hope that when I emerge it’ll have gone away

“It’s a burning feeling”

Someone has injected acid into the veins in my leg and it’s slowly making its way up to my body – make it stop please.

“It’s a dragging feeling”

Someone has attached weights to my organs and they are trying to pull them out through my vagina.

“It’s making me a little nauseous”

If I move my head slowly enough, maybe I can avoid vomiting all over everything.

“It’s like a crushing feeling”

I have an elephant sat on my chest and it’s stabbing me every time I try and breathe. Could you kindly remove him to a local zoo maybe?


Kill me, just kill me.


2 thoughts on “05 October 2015: And how would you describe your pain?

  1. I feel like you should add the ‘man scale’ of pain to this chart, where we’d go from ‘slightly tired in the morning’ to ‘sore throat’ to ‘bit of a headache’ (we’re getting to at least number 7 here) and finally the dreaded ‘man-flu’.

    Wait … is that just me …?

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