Jan 12th 2015: “Wagon You’re Draggin'”

The Blog Like a Mofo prompt word for this week is “wagon”.

Which obviously made me thing of body image issues. Who wouldn’t?

OK. Let me explain how I got there:

1. Wagon.

2. Quote from Scrubs – see You Tube at about the 18:26 mark.

Turk and J.D.’s Apartment
Elliot: Is J.D. here?
Carla: No, it’s just me.
Elliot: Oh…. Um…. I guess I’ll just…wait, too.
Carla: Crap.
Elliot: Fine, I’ll wait outside.
Carla: No! I’m just talkin’ to my hair. I mean, if it’s even the least bit humid, all of a sudden I’m Dr. J.
Elliot: Is he in Radiology?
Carla: Yeah! Uh-huh.
Elliot: Carla, you know I would kill for your hair.
Carla: Really?
Elliot: Yeah.
Carla: Well, I would kill for your legs.
Elliot: I would kill for your lips!
Carla: I’d kill for that wagon you’re draggin’.
Carla: That’s your butt.
Elliot: Oh! Thank you! “Wagon”?
Carla: Draggin’.

3. Body image stuff.

See? Simple. Not actually that odd and tenuous at all when you think about it.

I don’t know if it’s just a female thing, (not being a man I wouldn’t know if men think like this too), but I know a lot of girls who covet physical features of other women:

“I wish I had her think wavy hair.”

“I wish I had her perfect skin.”

“I wish I had her flat stomach.”

“I wish I had this or that.”

I do it too. I wish I didn’t have poker straight hair that requires an entire thing of hairspray to hold any kind of wave in it. I wish I had a flatter stomach (something I can do a little about I suppose *stuffs more potato chips in mouth*). I wish my nose was smaller. I wish I didn’t have double chins. I wish I wasn’t starting to look like my mother. *shudders*

I’ve never been someone who can stand to look in a mirror for too long; a quick check to make sure I haven’t got eye crusties, a giant zit on my forehead, or spinach in my teeth and that’s about it. Forget standing there completely naked looking at myself. There’s only one person in the world who wants to see that and that’s only because he’s obliged to by marriage contract.

Most of last year I had long hair – I just couldn’t be bothered getting it cut. And I hate going to the hair dressers. I enjoyed having long hair… when I was younger and it suited me. Getting it cut short in November seems to have been the start of me coming to terms with myself, how I look and, to a certain extent, who I am. Shorter hair suits me more than long and I feel better when it’s short. I don’t feel like I have this horrible mane of lank, barely controlled keratin flying around me.

The next step was new glasses. Instead of the slightly heavy frames I had last year, I’ve gone with completely frameless, very lightweight glasses this time. Not only does this mean I wear them almost constantly (something I need to do due to my disobedient right eye), but I think I look better with them.

I’m also further embracing the slightly geeky side of my character; tee shirts, accessories, board gaming. It helps that I have a group of friends that are inclined towards these things. It kind of shocked me how excited I was to get my first set of RPG gaming dice last week in preparation for my first session yesterday!

I don’t by a long shot think I am “there” with body image stuff. But I have come to terms with the fact that I’m not the prettiest girl around and I will never by the prettiest girl around. I will always be a bit of a “plain Jane”, at least in my own eyes.

I still wish I could look at myself in a mirror for longer than 10sec, (this is one of the things that prevents me getting my hair cut on a regular basis – the thought of staring at nothing but myself for 30mins while someone chops my hair is almost unbareable). I wish I didn’t have cross eyes. I wish my butt was a bit smaller. I wish my skin didn’t scar so easily. I wish my fingers were longer and skinnier. I wish my nails would grow properly.

I wish all kinds of things.

But I can’t change any of them.

I am who I am.

And I think I’m ok with that.

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